Sorry for the cheesy blog post. I feel so stupid for this emo blog post that I am about to write. I feel stupid because I know that it's stupid and I'm doing it anyway. Stupid. Not that this is likely to be read, so I don't really think I have anyone to apologise to.
I feel like years of my life have been catching up to me. Filled to the brim with bottled up feelings. I've found it too hard to express myself pretty much all my life. It's a lot easier to put out there online, and to a similar extent over msn. The anonymity helps. Even on msn, I'm not quite being myself, so it's a bit easier, though less real.
A biiig issue for me is Social Anxiety. Makes me get so fucking depressed when I don't know who to talk to, or what to talk about, or when I feel like I'm talking to someone who really doesn't want to talk back. I just can't take it. It seems to get worse and worse, and just sitting quietly and accepting that I'm a quiet person is beginning to feel like it cannot be an option anymore. Just one bad social situation can just kill me, for quite a while, and I rarely feel ok about myself like this.
I'm not as self conscious as I was. I'm not blaming any social inability on my looks or my body. I am alright with those. Knowing that it's all in my head is what makes it so much worse to deal with, especially when it's so deep that I can't just reprogram myself, or put on a front.
Situations happen. I don't know what to do in them. Even things like conversation. I panic. I realise that I'm panicking and panic about that. My head quickly gets depressive over this, and I have ruined my day. Motivation for anything just goes out the window, and I just want my brain to slow the hell down and forget everything.
And then there is the object of my loathing. My mother. I can't quite trace where this pure hatred came from, but over the past year it has just become so much that I can't take her any more. I think it arose from petty things, small idiotic things that she does that defy common sense. For example, turning the router off at night. Trivial, yet her adamant insitance aggrivates me. Her immaturity about the split-up with my dad is just juvinile. The hatred arose when I looked back on my life and saw how many stupid decisions she made, and how, a lot of my problems arose from her parenting. It's not the only factor, my father was relatively absent, but what little parenting he did was far better, and me and him have been trying to salvage my upbringing recently. I can see how things like my social awkwardness came from what she did. Her handling of my dyspraxia and other issues was not so great. I now have a wealth of her mistakes to look upon, as a guide of 'what not to do when raising kids,' but still. Argh.
I have just lost any 'unconditional family love' for her. I may be channelling some undue hate towards her, but quite a bit is justified, and I will be VERY relieved when I get the hell out of this house. I spent a weekend and a bit away at my dad's flat, and felt relatively good, but the moment she made any contact my mood just plummeted. Recently, I've been finding it physically hard to hide my frustration and anger, I get rather twitchy and edgey, and when I'm alone I just shout. I have serious stress to let out, and I dont know where. I am looking seriously at options for moving away ASAP. Legally, you need to be 18, but there are ways around that for 16-17 year olds, with consent. It's veeeeery tempting. I can mooch off of the government, and maybe my dad a bit, and get a job, and see if I can live off that as I do my studies.
I know I'm not a starving child. I know I'm not being physically abused. I'm not being spoilt about this, but I feel so emotionally bare that I can hardly care for that. A bit of typical existential angst thrown in doesn't exactly help much. I'm trying to watch myself here to make sure I don't fall into a whiney stereotype (even though I am whineing.)
Another thing I hate about me, socially. The friends that I get, I seem to end up pushing away. Twice I've gone into a relationship with a good friend, ended the relationship and lost a good friendship with it. I've also had friends just drift away and not exchange words anymore, even though nothing has happened. I have very few people who actively seek me as a friend, but several aquaintances who will make conversation if they happen to be near me for a period of time. I seriously need to sort out my act about this, even if I dont sort out my normal social anxiety. I don't know how linked the two are though. I know what's wrong, why the hell can't I sort myself out?
Seeing the college counsellor on wednesday, but I doubt that'll do much. I already know quite a bit about what's wrong with me, and I know that I can breathe deeply when stressed, other shit like that but in reality, it can't change how I think. Might book a doctors appointment and pour my heart out in front of a GP in the hopes that they'll refer me to something that'll actually help me. But I'm not exactly reknowned for my emotional openness, so I'll see how that goes. Might just rehearse what kind of things to say, I can't rely on myself to naturally convey my feelings after all.
I could go much more emo than this, but I won't. I should really be asleep right now. But the best ramblings do come during the wee small hours after all. I have some of my shit written down now. It's public, but who really gives a fuck anyway? One of the worst parts is, I'm not sure if there's a way of sorting myself out. It kinda sucks, being 17 and having had philosophy on the brain most of your life. Ends up fucking with your head a bit. It's made me a relatively good thinker, I think, but at what cost? Happiness? Normality? Bah, hell if I know, but if this is me at 17, god knows what I'll be like when I have a mid-life crisis (assuming I last that long).
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
Sunday, 24 May 2009
Oh hi thar
Hello interbloggospherenetweb, how are you? I'm quite alright thanks. I've just started a blog in fact.
There's not much more to me than is in my About Me, so I won't ramble about memememe. Instead, I'll try and make a constructive blog post and talk about a few things I'm finding interesting lately!
Musicwise, I've been listening to The Real Group a lot lately, which is typical, as they're one of my favourite bands in my favourite genre. The Real Group are a swedish a cappella group, meaning all the music is made with their mouths! They're a SSATB group, 2 girls and 3 guys, and they just make brilliant music! 99% of their songs are just brilliant, and each of them are fantastic singers. The top Soprano lets out some fabulous incredibly high notes, whereas the Bass is like a 5 string Bass guitar! Fantastic stuff on both ends of the spectrum, and in between too.
They do all their own arrangements, and there are some incredible harmonies there, and some songs that trick you into thinking that they're just a normal band playing instruments! If I have to reccomend a couple of songs to check out (I have three albums' worth of their stuff!) I'd have to reccoment "It Don't Mean a Thing," which is a really quite insanely great bit of jazzy music, that really showcases the talent of their singers. "Gøta" is a simply beautiful arrangement, which is brilliant in its apparant simplicity. Its dynamics are, well, dynamic, and though the melody is relatively simple, an astounding piece of music is built around that. I also have to give a shoutout to "Chilli Con Carne," because that's a piece that I performed in my Choir, looking at a piece from the inside makes you realise how complex it is, and for me, just how deep that Bass' voice is!
I really recommend that you give them a listen, even if the a cappella genre isn't your thing. They are truly something else, and I intend to create an a cappella group, partially for the purpose of performing some of their music!
On a different topic, a game that I've been hooked on lately, to no embarrassment, is Pokémon Platinum! The Pokémon series has supplied great game after game for several generations of handhelds. I can't personally say the same for the console games, having never played those, and I won't say it for the card games either, as they're past their peak for me! But the handheld games I enjoy thoroughly. They just have the right balance of story, railroading, freedom, action, strategy, fun and coolness! Of course, it's not without flaws, but it's still brilliant.
The main thing that irritates me when I sit down and play Pokémon Platinum, in fact any of the games other than Red/Blue/Yellow, is how there are just too many of them nowadays! I do get rather nostalgic whenever I see one of the ones from the original 150/151, simply because of how even the most common of Pokémon previously are now rare, because of the sheer variety! Even annoyingly common ones from Red and Blue, such as Pidgey and Rattata, make me smile when I see them now. Sure, there are some cool new ones, my Lucario and Luxray are pretty cool I find, but they all lack a certain awesome factor! You can't help but love a Psyduck or a Slowpoke for their slightly dim-witted nature, Pikachu is THE iconic Pokémon and wow, Metapod and his harden is the most feared thing in the land. The other problem with the Pokémon games is the grind. To non MMO players, 'grinding' is the act of killing enemies to level up. When playing, you're expected to fight a lot of wild pokemon and trainers between gyms, so that when the next boss battle comes up, you're ready. I think there's a bit too much of a grind in Pokémon. It might be for the purpose of stretching out the lifetime of the game, but as I bore easily, I find myself loading up on my Repels and loving the Rare Candies.
Now onto the things that I like about Platinum. You have to think a bit, but you're not required to think too fast. Really, all the battle system is is a slightly more complex Rock-Paper-Scissors game, you triumph by using the Pokémon with the right type to take down the enemy's type. There is more to it than that, but this is the integral part of it. As you get more into it, you start thinking about the specific stats of the Pokémon, and you plot the combat a few more moves ahead. It's definitely a prime example of "Easy to Learn, Hard to Master." It's possible for an average player to lose a battle or two, though a beginner probably won't lose much more, and a pro will find the game a piece of cake. It's a good, easily accessible, game.
Has a good little story component too, a few funny quips here and there, but it reeks of cheese, with its very blatant morals throughout the game, but I guess it's better than indoctrinating kids to be violent. The game does a good job of making the player feel like the hero though, in a slightly patronising way. There is nothing sad in particular about the story, so it's a fun game for a pick-me-up, especially with all the cute Pokéfaces about!
In technological news, I've got an iPod Touch! Huzzah! I could spend hours scrolling through my albums on the cool cover screen. It really is off the scale of Very Nifty Gadget Things™ just for the cool factor whenever you use the touch screen. I've only got a few apps, mostly games and my IM/social network stuffs, but there is so much potential in this bundle of bolts, I need to get me some great apps though, and see what the iPod Touch can REALLY do before I make a proper opinion. But it is definitely so much more than an mp3 player, it is just like a mini media computer. Soon, Apple will have released gadgets for ALL of our day-to-day needs. Just you wait. I'll be using my iToothbrush, before I put on my iShoes and go out for a walk down the iRoad. It will happen. Oh yes, it will happen.
That's just some stuff I've been into lately, I look forward to blogging at YOU soon. Hit me up on twitter at Edible_ed if you want, or e-mail me, or post a comment! I'm very open to feedback!
There's not much more to me than is in my About Me, so I won't ramble about memememe. Instead, I'll try and make a constructive blog post and talk about a few things I'm finding interesting lately!
Musicwise, I've been listening to The Real Group a lot lately, which is typical, as they're one of my favourite bands in my favourite genre. The Real Group are a swedish a cappella group, meaning all the music is made with their mouths! They're a SSATB group, 2 girls and 3 guys, and they just make brilliant music! 99% of their songs are just brilliant, and each of them are fantastic singers. The top Soprano lets out some fabulous incredibly high notes, whereas the Bass is like a 5 string Bass guitar! Fantastic stuff on both ends of the spectrum, and in between too.
They do all their own arrangements, and there are some incredible harmonies there, and some songs that trick you into thinking that they're just a normal band playing instruments! If I have to reccomend a couple of songs to check out (I have three albums' worth of their stuff!) I'd have to reccoment "It Don't Mean a Thing," which is a really quite insanely great bit of jazzy music, that really showcases the talent of their singers. "Gøta" is a simply beautiful arrangement, which is brilliant in its apparant simplicity. Its dynamics are, well, dynamic, and though the melody is relatively simple, an astounding piece of music is built around that. I also have to give a shoutout to "Chilli Con Carne," because that's a piece that I performed in my Choir, looking at a piece from the inside makes you realise how complex it is, and for me, just how deep that Bass' voice is!
I really recommend that you give them a listen, even if the a cappella genre isn't your thing. They are truly something else, and I intend to create an a cappella group, partially for the purpose of performing some of their music!
On a different topic, a game that I've been hooked on lately, to no embarrassment, is Pokémon Platinum! The Pokémon series has supplied great game after game for several generations of handhelds. I can't personally say the same for the console games, having never played those, and I won't say it for the card games either, as they're past their peak for me! But the handheld games I enjoy thoroughly. They just have the right balance of story, railroading, freedom, action, strategy, fun and coolness! Of course, it's not without flaws, but it's still brilliant.
The main thing that irritates me when I sit down and play Pokémon Platinum, in fact any of the games other than Red/Blue/Yellow, is how there are just too many of them nowadays! I do get rather nostalgic whenever I see one of the ones from the original 150/151, simply because of how even the most common of Pokémon previously are now rare, because of the sheer variety! Even annoyingly common ones from Red and Blue, such as Pidgey and Rattata, make me smile when I see them now. Sure, there are some cool new ones, my Lucario and Luxray are pretty cool I find, but they all lack a certain awesome factor! You can't help but love a Psyduck or a Slowpoke for their slightly dim-witted nature, Pikachu is THE iconic Pokémon and wow, Metapod and his harden is the most feared thing in the land. The other problem with the Pokémon games is the grind. To non MMO players, 'grinding' is the act of killing enemies to level up. When playing, you're expected to fight a lot of wild pokemon and trainers between gyms, so that when the next boss battle comes up, you're ready. I think there's a bit too much of a grind in Pokémon. It might be for the purpose of stretching out the lifetime of the game, but as I bore easily, I find myself loading up on my Repels and loving the Rare Candies.
Now onto the things that I like about Platinum. You have to think a bit, but you're not required to think too fast. Really, all the battle system is is a slightly more complex Rock-Paper-Scissors game, you triumph by using the Pokémon with the right type to take down the enemy's type. There is more to it than that, but this is the integral part of it. As you get more into it, you start thinking about the specific stats of the Pokémon, and you plot the combat a few more moves ahead. It's definitely a prime example of "Easy to Learn, Hard to Master." It's possible for an average player to lose a battle or two, though a beginner probably won't lose much more, and a pro will find the game a piece of cake. It's a good, easily accessible, game.
Has a good little story component too, a few funny quips here and there, but it reeks of cheese, with its very blatant morals throughout the game, but I guess it's better than indoctrinating kids to be violent. The game does a good job of making the player feel like the hero though, in a slightly patronising way. There is nothing sad in particular about the story, so it's a fun game for a pick-me-up, especially with all the cute Pokéfaces about!
In technological news, I've got an iPod Touch! Huzzah! I could spend hours scrolling through my albums on the cool cover screen. It really is off the scale of Very Nifty Gadget Things™ just for the cool factor whenever you use the touch screen. I've only got a few apps, mostly games and my IM/social network stuffs, but there is so much potential in this bundle of bolts, I need to get me some great apps though, and see what the iPod Touch can REALLY do before I make a proper opinion. But it is definitely so much more than an mp3 player, it is just like a mini media computer. Soon, Apple will have released gadgets for ALL of our day-to-day needs. Just you wait. I'll be using my iToothbrush, before I put on my iShoes and go out for a walk down the iRoad. It will happen. Oh yes, it will happen.
That's just some stuff I've been into lately, I look forward to blogging at YOU soon. Hit me up on twitter at Edible_ed if you want, or e-mail me, or post a comment! I'm very open to feedback!
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